Many a true word: The Daily Mash

Damn, they're good! Following is from "Cameron beginning to realise exactly who he's in charge of" in today's The Daily Mash:

Prime Minister David Cameron was on the brink of resignation last night after finally realising what British people are actually like. Downing Street insiders said that since learning of the Facebook tributes to idiot murderer Raoul Moat, Mr Cameron has become increasingly depressed and has talked about taking up watercolour painting and moving to Umbria.

A senior cabinet minister added: "What he absolutely must not do is go onto Facebook, the Guardian or the Daily Mail and start reading through the comments. If he does then there's every chance he will try to steal a nuclear submarine and give it to Iran. It'll be a bit like Hunt for Red October except that it ends with a load of warheads pointed at 60 million twats."

Constitutional historian, Denys Finch-Hatton, said: "I have always believed that the defence of the realm can only be guaranteed if the prime minster does not interact with ordinary people under any circumstances. Because if they do, they invariably walk away from the encounter thinking, 'I hope that person dies incredibly soon'."